Radical, Reckless & Reflections.

In the HD world we often hear the line “it was at that point it went quite radically into my experiment”.

I used to hear this and instantly my mind would do its usual trick of making it mean something about me. “I’m not radical”, “I’m not doing this right”, “What’s the point if you are not going to go radical?”.. then the kicker from the mind, right when it’s got you where it wants you.. ”You’re a fraud”, “do you even do Human Design?”. Now I know there is no ‘doing’ Human Design there is only ‘being’ but my mind sure loves to play that card.

When I look outward into the world and take stock of what everyone else is doing I lose myself. I feel smothered by all of the information and all of the people and all of the perspectives. This is nobody’s fault but my own. Everyone is entitled to their perspective and to share them. Only I can choose how much I consume, what I consume and who I follow. Some of the perspective from the people on my fractal are the most enlightening, crack wide open, awakening conversations I’ve ever had in amongst the mundane “how’s the kids?” chats. It could have something to do with my wide open G-center but I would say it has more to do with my personal view perspective. When I look outward it distracts me. I see in terms of power. Who’s up, who’s down, who’s up and coming, where the issues lie and what needs correcting but feel powerless in my ability to aid in any of those corrections. When I am seeing the world this way I move into a sort or fear-survival mode. The need to know more, have more, generate more to keep my power or to survive in the sea of perspectives. I’m looking for safety- from a place of the mind. I’m a splenic authority. Looking for safety is not EVER something I need do. My spleen takes care of that. It’s hard to explain but when I am consuming way too many random perspective my own vision becomes a very hazy mish mash of personal/power, need/ fear soup. It’s not clean or clear and I have no correct outer authority in that space.

My correctness happens when I get through life with blinkers on majority of the time. Hands cupped around the outside of my eyes, looking toward my own path, my own direction, me. Personal view is all about me. Not you.. unless you are immediately effecting me. When I am giving my perspective from here I know what I need, I can see what you need, I can act on only what is necessary, its easeful and clear. It takes way less energy and leaves me way less wobbly. I am still tormented by my mind in these times. “that’s too easy”, “its selfish to put your personal needs first”, “put yourself in others shoes”. But that’s just conditioning, my mind trying its hardest to control and exert its power over my correctness. Now its not that I should never transfer into power view. I must in order to come back to myself in a relative way. If I never took a look outside of myself I would have no point of reference as to where I personally stand in the ocean. But setting up camp with an outward view is where I become completely lost.

It has taken me a while to accept my unique perspective. To gather evidence that it is needed, that it is valuable and that it is a gift to others. I have always been able to see the brilliance in other peoples outer authority fairly quickly. That’s a part of having the 18-58 and nearly then entire stream of taste. I get a very quick sense of who’s outer authority is tasteful to me. I know when I am being hit with correct outer authority because I cannot look away, I cannot stop listening and I am hooked, hanging on their every word in a trance. The actual language and literal words don’t do it for me. It’s their frequency that does. It’s like it pierces right into my core and grabs hold of my soul and says “there’s a transmission here for you, a key for you to unlock something within yourself, receive it”. It is only now, four years into my process that I am able to tell when my own outer authority is coming through a clear passenger seat window, rather than the muddy driver’s seat window. My outer authority is for the right people (being a fourth line, its only for the right people) my outer authority is enlightening, but its certainly not for everyone. A focused personal view with need motivation and meditation sense. “Um hello, I personally can see what you need, let me tell you”. Now that is some very specific guidance, that when uninvited does not land well, let me tell you! It is only for the right people who recognise me.

Looking outward at others going “radical” in their experiment set me up for a real mind trip and to be honest, caused me a lot of time outside of myself that in retrospect, taught me some great lessons, but did waste a lot of my time and energy. Time and energy that I can perhaps save you.

I have had moments of radical, moments of reckless and moments of what seemed like a pause (fully knowing that we are never paused). One thing I have never had since the beginning of this in March 2018 is I’ve never gone back. Once the Human Design system found me and I was ready to receive it, it has crept into every corner of my life and stayed.

When the Human Design system grabbed a hold of my life I did not think to go full radical. I thought I was just dabbling in some new spiritual system I had found to explain my behaviour, my child’s behaviour and the nature of my relationships. And if that was going to make my experience as a new mother a little easier than that was a win for me. It began with me resting more. OH the permission to rest and wait. Much to my minds disgust, I knew this was my starting point because it was the hardest thing for me to do. As a Projector that grew up in a Penta of Generators and Manifesting Generators, resting, waiting and listening to my body say “enough is enough” was almost like some form of torture to my whole being. I began to observe my mind as a separate voice to that of my body’s knowing. I had done some extensive training and had become certified (hello open G) in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP). One of the techniques that really stuck with me after my training was long over was a disassociation technique where you purposely and mindfully disassociate yourself from the experience or situation you are in to gather a new perspective. One where you are literally watching the movie play out in front of you. I knew this technique well and so I would use it to aid my experiment. Watching my own movie play out. Observing my mind. I say observing my mind, not disregarding it. I still would go against my body’s knowing and follow the directive of my mind. The difference was my awareness. Going against my body with awareness and observing the consequences of that allowed me to gather evidence. Introducing myself to my Bitter-Betty and becoming great acquaintances with my bitterness allowed me to gather the evidence that indeed, my authority was always looking out for me. This hindsight slowly turned into a trusting. A present moment trust in my body. It was only after this evidence gathering period I went my version of full blown radical. “If I’m going to do this thing then what the point in half-arsing it” was the narrative. With a personality sun earth that’s the 30.4/29.4 burnout and directness; once I’m a yes to and experience, I commit and not only that, I take the FULL DOSE. This is what I did. I went as radical as I could. There’s the key. .. ”as radical as I could”.

The Human Design system meets us where we are at, and if you let it in it will take you for as much of a ride as you are willing to strap in for. You cannot strap in for someone else’s ride, someone else’s version of radical. It simply is not possible. You may follow others, and take snippet’s of their process to test and trial, but claiming that as your new way of experimenting with your design is only beneficial if your strategy and authority is onboard. And even then, it will look completely different to their journey. Comparing your experiment to that of another’s to measure how ‘far you’ve come’, or comparing your deconditioning process to another’s is comparing granny smith apples to a rainbow trout. They are simply incomparable and in no way a valid measure. But boy does the mind love to measure.

Radical to some, may mean lying on their loungeroom floor literally waiting for a knock at the door offering them their next pay check. Radical for others may be simply no longer receiving your fathers word as gospel after 30 years of disregarding yourself. Radical for a girlfriend of mine meant asking for a reduction in hours in her current position that she worked and studied so hard for, for 15 years to get there. Radical for my sister meant leaving a high end medical position to work office administration hours 3 days a week from home, allowing her more time to follow her own desires. Radical for my cousin meant leaving the church she had spent three decades worshiping. Maybe it’s taking an hour on Saturday morning to yourself, or finally following that little “uh-huh” you hear but always have previously dismissed. For me part of my radical was hiring a cleaner, so that I could rest and study more. Radical for me meant having the conversation with my loving partner about sleeping separately. Radical to one may be seen as reckless or so far out of reach to another. Your version of radical is not mine, my version of radical is not yours. I had a newborn baby at the time. With a little human relying on me for food, love, comfort and support, beginning my experiment was always going to be a very different experience to someone who is single living on their own.

Stepping my way through my experiment was quiet simple at first and I did feel a lot of shifts quickly. I wasn’t really following any social media HD influencers at this time, I had the definitive book and a FB group that I would creep around in, very rarely posting. No way my undefined solar plexus could handle showing up in that space and exposing myself. I just experimented in secret. Although at the time it didn’t feel like it, it was simple and clean and it was in fact MY version of radical.

I’m a markets internal girl. I’m here to be observed. This is exactly what happened as I deepened into my deconditioning and my process of following strategy and authority. People began to observe me and ask “What’s different about you?”. My sister asking me one day “have you started a course of anti-depressants or something”, the contrast must have been that obvious to people observing me. I would tell them about Human Design and of course look up their chart and then proceed to give them all the uninvited, unsolicited advice I could muster up. Isn’t it interesting. When I was in secret living my experiment I was able to be more “radical”, it was easier to stay in my correct frequency and much much easier to hear my authority. This alignment with my design lead me to the correct environments, my correct line of geometry more and more. It was in my correct environments that I began to be observed. Once I began to be observed I wanted to externalise, share, teach, give Human Design to everyone I knew. A new layer of conditioning showed itself to me and my next step in my process began. I had a pretty solid awareness of my authority through experimenting in secret for so long. The spleen is quiet and without a lot of outside noise it was fairly easy for me to hear and follow when I was sneakily being a HD ninja in my own home. But coming out to the world that I was now a part of the “HD cult” (as my father would describe it with his little knowledge of what the system is about) showed me how little I actually knew, how strong the mind is and how much it will dig its heels in to release that full control over us. It was like my mind had allowed me to think I was back to body autonomy. Like “great job you, you’re listening to your body now, you win” but sneakily it knew all along that it was still in control. Following my authority had gotten me so far, now being observed and recognised my next major test of surrender was all about trusting my aura mechanics and strategy. I began following HD influencers, immersing myself in the HD community, having readings and got my first mentor. Like a good little 4th line, networking, making connections with people. My experiment seemed to get ‘harder’ from here. Now I could see others living their designs, now I could read about others experiences and now, my mind could compare. Now my mind could measure. Comparing my experience to that of another’s was only ever going to be detrimental. I didn’t know anything about my view/ perspective at this point. I didn’t realise looking outward at the collectives movements was in fact power view, my distraction. So, compare away I did. They are able to quit their jobs, they are better at surrendering then I am, they are able to work from home so they have so much more freedom, so much more energy, they’re better at waiting then I am, they can hear their spleen better then me. They know more then I do, They are certified, I’m not, I’m not doing this right. They are radical and obviously getting more out of the system than I am. With a very defined heart, if that tribes seemingly getting more then my tribe I’m going to become very wilful to get my tribe to that point also! Hello bitter betty. Here’s the thing, I mistook my bitterness as a signpost that my minds narrative was in fact correct. Not what it was really there for, which was to alert me that I was not in my correctness. I was doing so much outward looking and comparison that I was lost, wandering around the Human Design Fun Fair distracted by all of the lights, bells and whistles. Listening to the carnies shout “FREE ALIGNMENT, GET YOUR SUCCESS OVER HERE! This is where I would say I become a little reckless and mistook that for radical.

I started to read Human Design for people one year into my experiment. Looking back, that to me, was reckless. But at the time I didn’t see it that way, I was excited. I never forced readings on people or sort out people to read for. I was always invited, but the invites were not correct. They did not feel quiet right and I did not feel overly competent to give readings. Those people who received my first readings where receiving a power view with fear motivation. I was distracted and distorted giving my perspective through a muddy window. Don’t get me wrong, people enjoyed the readings and I received great feedback, made money and my 4th line loved the network I was building. The issue was, what I was perceiving as success as was so far from what Projector success actually feels like in the body. What (in hindsight) was reckless was my own complete disregard of my unique definition, the gift that is so precious to me. The way I am able to penetrate another, the way I am able to see the other, my perspective, my outer authority is an asset that I was giving away. Firstly very cheaply, and secondly to people who did not recognise my uniqueness or my brilliance. After some serious dark nights of the soul I saw how lost I had become. I knew I could trust my authority but strategy that was another story. I hadn’t gathered the evidence I needed for that one yet. Now some of you may say “evidence gathering is a game of the mind”. I do not disagree with you at all. I was not ready to fully dismiss the mind, I was still playing nice and if gathering evidence was going to help keep my mind happy but allow my body to experiment then that’s what I would do. My strategy became my next point of focus. “To wait for the invitation”. I’m not going to lie, it was hard. I didn’t understand it at first and assumed it meant I would be waiting for someone to invite me to my morning coffee. Gaaahhhh being a projector is shit I want out! This is because I was taking my direction from social media, not source material. I had to really do my research. My channel of judgement came online here, showing me through my authority’s awareness who I could follow with discernment, who was transmitting source frequency and who was distorting HD into something it was not to make fast money, because at this point this HD thing was about to BLOW UP in the online space. I spent so much time confused, researching, experimenting- waiting for the invitation, what is an invitation?, an invitation to what exactly? and what does the correct invitation feel like?. After discovering through source material that I was only waiting for invitations to guide or give outer authority, or anything that really involved another person, networks, jobs, relationships I had found my clarity and groove in the waiting space. It was a long process of researching deliberating over who’s outer authority to accept and whose was simple not correct for me. Those selling the notion that there is such thing as an open invitation I decided where not for me. Those selling the notion that an invitation can come from the universe- were not for me. Those selling the notion that waiting for the invitation is a limiting, boxing thing that an old dead white guy made up, and not to worry too much about it, were not for me. I distinctly remember it was after this point in time I decided that if I was going to transmit and share this knowledge I would only be transmitting source material. I knew that the keynotes and frequency of source would be what changed lives and what had changed my life. I had spent my time at the HD fun Fair, ridden all the rides until I was sick to the stomach. It was time to leave. I cancelled ‘reader trainings’ I was in. I left mentor’s that were not transmitting source. I unfollowed a lot of the “HD cheat codes for success” type of influencers. I went head down bum up into the books.

I was still in the external workforce at this stage, working for a not for profit in a methamphetamine program, having just finished up a psychology degree my open G center was onto its next direction, studying a master’s degree in child play therapy. Always searching for that piece of paper that would give the title, the identity I needed to help change lives. While working I was still reading HD for people but I began taking way less money. I began turning readings away or referring them to people I knew where seeing thorough a clear lens, professional analysists and people alike. I began really waiting and STUDYING. Boy did I study. I would go into the office I was working from and like a good little efficient projector, I would smash out the ‘work’ I had to do for the day in about 2 hours, close my door and then study for the next 6 hours before clocking off. I couldn’t believe my luck really. I was in a paying job, with a private office space and I was spending majority of my time studying the Human Design system. Always head-down, bum-up in a HD lecture or book. Gosh this part of my process was slow. It was like the entire world had stopped spinning, somebody had hit pause on the movie and life was in a freeze frame waiting for someone to hit the play button again. I resided to the fact that the invitations may never come. And that was okay. I reflected that I wasn’t in this originally for anyone other than myself and my child. To achieve a more harmonious and understanding relationship between us, to learn how to parent a Manifestor honouring his emotional authority and respecting his aura. I had achieved that. I knew it backwards, inside out and it was easeful. I began sharing about him. And sharing him with the world. Not for anything other then to showcase that raising a Manifestor was a gift and I was proud of myself for finding the gift in this experience. This was the turning point. Someone grabbed that remote and hit play, not only play but speed 2x on the movie. Invitations came in faster than I could accept. Recognition like I had never felt before. People actually saying kind words in my inbox. People crying in my inbox thanking me for simply.. well being me?! WT actual F? how is this even possible? The success I felt and still feel today has nothing to do with my bank balance. I am a defined heart 44-26 there has to always be an adequate material exchange for my energy. But I have never considered a full bank account successful. I come from a mining background of 180k+ benefits a year. I know money. I did not know success. I thought success came through titles and string lines of letters after my name, identities, certifications, hard work, long hours. I had done all of those things and had claimed a very shallow feeling of success. But nothing compared to the success of being me, being recognised for simply being me, sharing my perspective, having someone enlightened through my guidance and seeing them thrive. Nothing compares. I remember the first moment I felt it and brought my awareness to it. Anchoring the moment very strongly in my body so I had a reference point (again an NLP technique that seemed to work for me- Anchoring). I had been sharing my son and my parenting style for about 3 months when a mother contacted me to read for her and her son. A projector Manifestor combination. She’d sent through the most beautiful voice notes of recognition and had left me with a solid very clear invitation for my services. As I had always done, I made my 14 pages of notes for the session and got myself well prepared. I conducted the reading for her. It went for nearly 2 hours. I didn’t refer to a single page of my notes once. I didn’t need to. It was almost too easy. I felt strange charging her for the session because it had felt so easeful. I explained to her that I was not sure what to charge for the session as I had never done something like that before. She said “let me pay you what I feel good exchanging”. I agreed and left the session. I had not been paid at this point that I hit end on the zoom call. I jumped straight up and ran outside to find Johno. Smile from ear to ear, the feeling in my chest was an indescribable bursting of proudness, accomplishment, happiness, excitement, gratitude and just like if it all ended in that moment I would be complete. Talking rapidly I gave him a play by play of the entire session just to have the chance to relive it myself I think. I anchored that moment. Standing still and placing my hand over my heart space, noticing, observing, accepting and basically surrendering to the extreme amount of success my body was experiencing. I would never forget this moment. It was a day later that the woman transferred me money via PayPal for our session. I nearly fell on the floor she had paid me DOUBLE what I was charging for readings at the time with a note saying she had referred a heap of her Mothers Group gal pals to me for readings also. The mind came on pretty thick and strong at that point “you’d better refund her some”, “you cannot charge that amount”, “yeah that was a once off, you’ll never feel that success again”, “she probably made a mistake”. I witnessed it all, but did not let it affect me. I had anchored that feeling of success in my body and I could return to that moment and remember how much of an asset my unique perspective is when I am invited and recognised to share it.

Some things have become much easer for me these days. My authority, my strategy, my definition. I do struggle with my openness. My Ajna, head and sacral give me the most grief. I am always deconditioning, watching the program move me and observing who I become in aura with others. It’s fascinating to me. The deeper I go into my process the more accepting I have become of others. The more I realised that I can never see the world through their eyes. Just like nobody is here to see the world through my eyes. All we have is differentiated unique perspectives of this human experience that we can learn from others. AND…I’ve shut up a lot! I keep my opinions as just that. My opinion, it's not truth or fact. It’s simply something that in my movie I feel to externalise and give my version of. There is no real need to give my opinion of something if somebody hasn’t asked me for it. It’s just a forceful penetration that is not comfortable for the other. I’ve given up torturing myself for anything that my mind wants to say about myself. I’ve learnt to laugh at myself and my movie. I’ve stopped looking for ‘meaning’ in every little thing or tick of the clock that shows up an angel number like 11:11. I am here to have a human experience. I duck in and out of awareness. I am never there full time. I really do not ‘try’ to live my design forwardly. I know when I try to live my design I do so from a place of the mind. What my experiment ‘should’ look like or ‘should’ feel like. I basically live, see what happens, view myself as a passenger here to this earthly plane and watch as so many things happen throughout my day. I try my hardest to stay moment to moment but we all know that’s one of the hardest things to accomplish so I don’t bother forcing myself to suffer if I find myself in a future timeline in my head. My authority lives in the moment and I have complete trust that I can come back to the moment and know what my next move is to make.

Recently a client of mine said “you’re so radical” “the way you live your design in such a radical way is so cool, I wish I could be that way”. Shit. I’ve become the measure for others just starting in their experiments? I never wanted to become someone’s comparison or reason for any internal suffering from the not-self. And so I ask if you do look my way and think of filtering yourself through me, comparing yourself to me, measuring your journey against mine… please remove me from any pedestal you may have place me on. You are the only star in your movie and am no comparison to your unique definition, your unique perspective and the role that you are here to play in this world. I ask for you to stand in your lane, unapologetically reclaiming ALL of who you came here to be, and then just be that.

Love yourself,

Amy.