A journey through the centers - G Center.

The G center is a fucking TRIP!

This one is completely open for me and in this moment I want to say that deconditioning this one and continuing to decondition this one has been life changing. I come from a Penta (a family unit) that says ‘find a career and stick to it until the day you die.” I come from a family lineage that says “you get married through thick and thin, you stay with that person”. Almost how dare you change directions! And if you are going to change direction then you’d better have a logical well thought-out spreadsheet of the pro’s and con’s before taking any action and also be able to sell this direction change to my parents. Okay that may be a slight exaggeration but that is how it feels. If my open g centre and defined spleen were a couple of people sitting around having a cuppa, they would be laughing so hard they’d be spitting their cuppa coffee out right now. If there is ever someone designed to spontaneously change direction due to the vibe they are getting from their environment- it is yours truly.

just another one for the wall.

I have studied and collected identities my entire life. I have enough certifications to cover the walls of a four bedroom house. Every time I changed my direction, my pattern was to figure out how I could become certified in that new direction because if I had a certification for it then I was serious about heading that way. I would become overly identified in becoming role that that new direction required of me to be. Needing a label of some sort to showcase that I was now heading this way, and I was serious about it. And being serious means being committed. And being committed means you’re not flaky or uncertain. And with my undefined Ajna- being uncertain was a massive no-no.

Growing up I had many different part-time jobs like teenagers do. I never stuck them out and I had a massive mental story around that too. My sister was different she worked at KFC from age 14 all through high school, and part way into her University degree where she studied to become a nurse annnnnd then worked as a nurse for the next 15 years. Here’s me trying my hat at KFC for a month, then I worked at the chemist, then the local CD music store, Wendy’s Ice cream shop for a bit, the local toy shop, the local supermarket, tried my hand at waitressing, admin, cleaning, warranty clerk, clothes stores. You name it. I just bounced my way between jobs. “More jobs then you’ve had hot dinners” my Dads words, not mind. Always getting sick or bored of the environment. And if I didn’t get bored of it, something would happen that would move me on.

I remember finally making it to the Grand final in Netball, I think it was around under 16’s. I was working at the local burger joint at this time and I asked for the Saturday off to play in my grand final. They denied my request. “Oh well love, that’s what committing to work is all about, you’ll have to miss your grand final” my Mum guided me the best way she knew how.

grand final win, jobless.

That didn’t sit well with this defined heart of mine so I waited until nobody was in the house. No mobile phone back then, it was a cord phone on the wall, you know the one where your brother could pick up the handset in another room and listen in on your calls.. yeah one of those. Anyway I waited until the coast was clear and rang my manager to request the Saturday off in person. I remember her voice very clearly and harshly “I’ve already declined the leave, you will be working that day”. I’ve never really reacted well to someone saying ”YOU WILL…”. perhaps my 18/58, perhaps my very defined heart, who knows. All I know is that my instantaneous reply was “You’d better start advertising my position then because I quit”, slamming the phone down. HOLY SHIT what had I just done. My netball team was tight, they were my girls, my friends, my tribe. I wasn’t about to let them down, I also didn’t want to experience the deep shame that was going to come from telling my parents that I had just quit another job. Anyway to cut a long story short, I told Mum that they had covered my shift (classic undefined solar plexus avoidance manoeuvre) and I played the grand final (we won!). I came clean with Mum that I had in fact quit the job on the Sunday.

Anyway, I am off on a tangent now. I think about my longer standing positions. One being in a maximum security prison, the other in the mining industry, and the last being in a mental health role which I only worked two days a week. The prison was fascinating to me, the heaviness of the environment once the gates slide shut and you are imprisoned inside of those large walls for the shift was incredible. I enjoyed watching and learning about human behaviours inside of those walls. Being privy to some of Australia’s most notorious criminals at the time was a trip! Mining- I stuck out for 10 years, again a change in circumstance forcing me out (I got pregnant) otherwise I dare say I may have worked there a lot longer. Because mining is a fly in fly out role. I was able to wear that environment for a week and then take the costume off and become someone totally different the week I was at home.

Identifying with roles and labels is a human condition, not one just reserved for the open G-Centre.

What is reserved for us is the excruciating journey of becoming wise about identities, labels, directions, roles, roleplay and the many costumes we wear. The not-self loves an identity. Especially one that makes it feel special. An identity that plays into the illusion that you standout from the person next to you, gives the not-self a sense of superiority. And a sense of superiority gives the not-self the illusion that you are someone to be noticed, be recognised. Someone worth knowing! You worth is deeply tied up entangled the roles you identify with.

Every environment forces you into a role. Think about that. Every. single. environment! Take a look around in the environment you are in and ask yourself, “what role do I play here?” Your environment is asking you to become someone in that space. At home with your children – put on the mum costume. At work – put on the worker costume. In a room with your extended family – you become Aunty, Cousin, Granddaughter, Sibling. And each role has a set of behaviour requirements that comes along with it, like a character description that sets the tone for the particular part of the screenplay you are in. What happens when you are still wearing the work costume when you get home? arguments, suffering, role confusion. When you overly identify with a role and attach to the person you are in that environment you end up try to wear that costume into other environments, all environments. it becomes heavy to wear, you want to take it off but you don’t know how? but it isn’t that you don’t know how at all. It is fear that stops us shedding old identities. It is no wonder we can find ourselves so lost in the world, wondering actually, Who the fuck am I?

This doesn’t just occur with the different environments. We can attach and identify with objects, things. Anytime you add the word MY to an object you are identifying yourself with that object. My laptop – means I am a person that owns a laptop, I have some sort of privilege over those who don’t. MY water bottle – means I have access to my very own water therefore perhaps I am safer then those who do not. MY car – means I have transport, in a somewhat more free fashion. I am someone who can move around without relying on others. ME, MINE, MY- all adding to your identity and the roleplay game that we are all playing here. If someone took away my water bottle I may become defensive, I may be triggered and want that possession that I own back. But what am I really wanting back? The water bottle? or the underlying feeling of safety it brings me? Am I safe without that water bottle? you bet I am. But the mind reacts instantly “give me back MY water bottle” because it senses a chuck of the identity that I have attached myself to and have been living, has just been stripped away. The mind doesn’t go to a place of “oh well, its just a water bottle, I am whole, safe, and secure without it”. It goes to a place of instant fear and that is where the reactivity comes from. Although I consciously know none of this at the time. All I know is some bastard stole my water bottle and I want it back.

I think the most obvious example of this is when you have a job label taken from you. You lose your job or career. Many people have been in that position before where they have suddenly been made redundant or ‘no longer required’ in a business setting. The forced action to take that costume off is so deeply triggering for people. They react and complain and make it a massive drama that they have lost their job attaching to all of the surface level discomforts. What do I do now? Who am I without that source of income? What do I tell people? What will people think of me? Deep down, the fear is the unknown. Without this extra layer to my costume I am exposed to the unknown reality of WHO AM I. And so the scramble beings to quickly find another costume to replace the one they have just been forced to remove.

I am no master or guru in this arena. I believe I am able to quickly spot roles I am playing, and many times I laugh at myself when I realise I am ONCE AGAIN deeply identified with yet another costume or attached to another object before releasing it. But there are many many layers my identity center still grips tightly onto that I am aware of, and I would most certainly say many are there that I am still unaware off. It is like they have to come off in a certain order, or with certain experiences life is handing me in the environments I am in.

Some of the roles that I play but no longer identify with;

I am an adult – by whos definition? Websters?

I am a mother – but am I when my children are not in the space?

I am a friend- not when nobody is around.

I am a business owner – that implies that I do business? Is that what I do? What is business? An exchange of resources for something I offer? What does it feel like to be called an Offerings owner instead of a business owner?

And the big ones, that I am aware of but still are identifying with;

I am Human – I’m not going to go deep here, but really.. am I human? or am I an illusion of a human in an incarnation?

And lastly,

I am a Projector- I know this one has given me a whole new set of behaviour rules that apply to this costume of ‘Projector’. And I think what I enjoy about Ra and Human Design is that he always said “don’t take my word for this, experiment with it and see”

I guess ultimately that is the wisdom of the G-center. Knowing that each and every persona, costume, label, role, is one that you get to experiment with, pick up, put down, try on, give away.

And knowing that every single person I bump into here is also experimenting with their own current role-play, label, identity crisis, the rules and the character description that apply to the current costume they are wearing.