A journey through the centers - Heart.

I live everyday with ego. I’m never sure about this “kill the ego” notion that we hear in the spiritual world/realm and online and just how it translates to Human Design. I mean I get the idea of not running your life by this wayward out of control entity that is overtly egotistical. But I ponder that trying to constantly kill the ego is an oxymoron in itself. Stuck in one side of the duality. The act of pursuing to kill or be rid of the ego is in fact an ego pursuit in itself. I think the two worlds (the spiritual word and the HD world) may be talking about a different ‘ego’. When I talk about ego I am speaking directly about the heart motor. That we all have. Some of us have consistent access to this energy and some do not.

When old mate Siggy Freud spoke of ego, he would break it down into three parts the Id, the Ego and the Superego all being parts of us that make up the complexity of the self.

The Id dealing with your basic needs like a screaming baby that is hungry.

The Ego dealing with your immediate reality. Trying to meet the needs of the Id but in a way that is socially acceptable. It is searching for the immediate consequence that will apply to you personally for your actions if you take what the Id needs.

The Superego deals with your morals of right and wrong. It’s hearing the needs of the Id running them though the consequence of the ego and making a moral decision based on collective judgement and logic.

Sounds like old Siggy was talking about the ego as it relates to the different circuitry that we all have access to. The Id coinciding with the individual circuit and the deafness that comes along with being pure individual, specifically the centring circuit that say’s “I come first”. The Ego being relatable to the tribal circuit group keynote of support, and the part in us that say’s “I want my needs met but also I want to support others around me have theirs met to”. And the Superego being relatable to the collective circuit keynote of sharing and really taking into account logic or abstract experiences to determine what is right and wrong. What is moral. At the level of the Superego we are very far removed from the immediate needs of the ‘I’ and ‘self’. And interestingly the Collective circuit is the only circuit group that does not include access to the Heart center.

I think we all have access to all levels of the ego as Freud speaks of them. It is just that what is defined in your chart is where you are consistently hanging out. And if you are someone who has no Heart motor definition, you are here to become wise in these arena’s of the self. It’s not a matter of getting rid of the ego all together. I don’t know if that is possible while you are signed up here for a human experience.

note the Collective circuit groups have no ego defined.

Anyway psychoanalytic personality theory lesson over, (these are the places my undefined head goes) lets bring it home, personal view here after all.

I have three out of four gates defined. Once a month I am subject to the program defining the last gate (40). Sometimes depending on the planetary placements, weeks on end all four gates defined. And daily I am conditioned by my youngest son who holds the 45, making the 45/21 (The Money Line) that allows energy from my ego to escape my throat.

I have consistent willpower. The will to shock. The will to control. The will to tame great power. The will to gather resources. The will to transmit memories. The will to be compensated adequately for my work.

Mighty mighty willpower, especially when challenged to prove something to someone or prove something to myself. I can be very motivated. If you have me on your cheer squad prepare for my fierce motivation and willpower to support you. Prepare for the motivational pep talk! I got you. AND all of this has, in the past, been the source of my own mental anguish. The strength in my ego center, while it is supportive and empowering, it has also been a huge area of my life that has in the past had me feeling as though I am “too much” for people. I never understood why I had all this fight and willpower when I was committed and engaged in a subject or task and why others did not. I never wronged them for not having that same level of committed willpower, I wronged myself for caring so deeply and being so passionate that I wouldn’t give up. Why didnt I know when the fight wasn’t worth fighting? Why did I have to get myself involved and exert myself to the point of burnout every damn time?. The process of deconditioning has seen this center change its allegiance and who it takes it’s orders from. A lot of my bitterness of around being “too much” was because my heart motor was being run by my mind.

When my heart has been contracted by my mind to go to work this is never a good thing. It never ends well. The Ajna is an awareness center but it is not reliable and consistent for me. The not-self Ajna thinks it owns my ego motor for pushing it’s not-self opinions and not-self beliefs. I notice the Ajna making secret contracts with my Heart motor all of the time. “We should say something about that”, “We need to get involved, this isn’t right” I used to act from this place. And sometimes, when it is loud I still do. But these two centers in cahoots are constantly on watch in my movie. I stay vigilant of this connection because it is the quickest way for me to come unstuck. It leads me to act from a distorted perspective, transferring me to power view and then acting from a fear motivated place.

When the Ajna/ mind has hold of my ego it doesn’t know when to rest. It doesn’t allow the motor to switch off, it works it to the bone and to be honest the pay-out is fucking dismal. All that not-self proving and exertion of willpower for what? To get a point across to someone who doesn’t appreciate the hard work that motor puts in anyway. To push through something that is not correct for me to push through. To control things that I have no business controlling. To arouse and shock someone when I haven’t been invited into that arena. My Ajna is not a reliable informant to my Heart motor. My beliefs can change from one day to the next. Holding a staunch belief in something then having a powerful motor like the Ego go to work for that belief is life draining.

Heart Definition in my own chart.

When the mind gabs hold of my ego, my ego goes to work blind. It utilizes it for personal gain, it’s selfish and wants to amass greatness for myself. This is not what this motor is for. This motor is tribal. But it does not have its own awareness. Let’s be honest- it is mighty- but it is dumb. It gets suckered in, seduced by the mind to work for mind gains. To prove things for the mind. To gather and store, rather than gather and distribute. To climb and climb and step on fingers the whole way, rather than climb and extend a hand to those who need a hand up the ladder.

My egos truest contract, most trusted informant is my spleen. The spleen is like the strong silent type of boss. It’s always watching from the back office, calculating risk moment to moment. When the boss speaks the ego goes to work. But rather then working it to the bone, this is one of those Boss’s that knows rest and balance is key to keeping this employee on. My spleen keeps the awareness that this motor is for the tribe, and that rest is required for the work it does in supporting the tribe.

When the Spleen says “have a rest mate, stop now” the motor is relieved. The energy disappears as fast as it arrived. This is the moment I should clock out, work day done. However, sometimes the mind grabs hold and says “just finish that last task, just push through, you’ll be okay”, these are the moments my ego is working in overdrive, working for free, and basically deteriorating itself. Causing my body harm.

Sometimes something arrives at our round table and the spleen says “No, this one’s not for us”. And there is literally no energy, no fire in the heart, no motivation or willpower to execute. If I override this splenic command I have literally put my heart and health in detriment.

In my design specifically, my Spleen is washing all parts, processing all work done, evaluating the next move for the ego motor through the 44/26. It’s almost like the Spleen gives the ego a service and gets it prepped for the next burst of will. All of this nothing I can control, it is simply happening in my body, moment to moment, and it happens fast.

Without my Spleens awareness, oh boy would I be a hardcore biatch! I mean I’ve lived that life. I get a lot of things done, I am forceful and bring a pressure to others to prove themselves, I can expect everyone to have a level of motivation that I have, and I can push a lot of my so called opinions out there. I can climb ladders and compete with the best of them, but at what cost?

My heath. That’s the cost. The longevity of this motor. The wellbeing of my heart organ, my digestive system and my gallbladder is the ultimate payoff for surrendering to the awareness of my spleen. Seems a no brainer to me now.

Communion with healthy undefined egos is a must for me. I am often drawn to these people. Their wisdom is of great value to me (even that is a very defined heart thing to say – I see value here). There is a humbleness to people with the undefined heart center that have begun deconditioning all of their worth issues and trauma. There is a gracefulness to the way they take on willpower and motivation when it’s correct and rest when it is not present. Nothing to prove.. ahh how refreshing. The healthy undefined ego is far and few between in my world, but increasing as my HD network grows. When I come across one I am reminded that there is another way. I am reminded that force and brute might is sometimes not require. Do without doing and the doing gets done, as they say. The undefined ego person is my ego check, and it feels fantastic to have this motor checked by a wise open ego.

It is correct for me to be an ego being, to have access to will and motivation, I am not wrong for being mighty. And also, it is totally correct for others to have the inconsistent power of this motor and have nothing to prove.

It is my responsibility to ensure the conditioning I am delivering is that of a healthy ego otherwise the pressure I can bring to a situation can see people around me trying to prove themselves at the detriment of their own heart organ. I can only do so by being correct in my strategy- waiting to be invited, and surrendering to my the awareness of my Spleens authority. This is how I know that when I arrive with this motor firing it is correct conditioning for those around me.

Warming up for a country basketball carnival

I used to play a lot of basketball. I played locally for a team, I played regionally for the town and I played nationally for my State. I trained three times a week. Once with my local team, once with the state squad and then once with the A grade men’s team from age 15 to improve my skills and basically get more crafty with how I hold myself on the court. Because I was never going to be 6ft tall I had to be quick and efficient to keep my spot on the team. Luckily I am I splenic Projector right? I was always the point guard. I would bring the ball down the court and call the play, guiding the other girls on the team as to what attack plan we were going to run, a single hand signal would send them all into action, manoeuvring in a secret chorographic fashion to outsmart defence so we could score. I had the same coach for years! probably 10 of my 20 years playing. At half time she would say “now ladies, I know you are getting tired, I know the energy is leaving, but now is the time to dig deep, fire up and get some mongrel in ya”. “get some mongrel in ya” she said it constantly, it’s ingrained in my mind. This is a very Aussie way of saying “get gritty, get fierce, get out there and don’t take no shit from no-one, exhaust yourself until you have nothing left”.  I love a good half time pep talk because I can take it. I am very tribal and my basketball team was my tribe in those days. If I had to fire up to support them for us all to reach our goal then that’s what I was going to do. But I think back now to the other girls on the court. Maybe some who were done at half time and didn’t want to push anymore, maybe some with completely open hearts just pushing through to prove themselves to the coach and this basketball team is now deep in their layers of self-worth issues.

Now I’m not saying if you have a child with an undefined/open heart that team sports are not their thing! There are a lot of wonderful team sports and coaches around. But I do wonder if we had time to check the ego of our children’s coaches or even take the time to say to our children “Hey, it’s all just a game, have fun and rest when you are done” what sort of different message we would be delivering to their heart motors.

I do have some quick checks I use with myself often with my defined heart. Now remembering this is all a mind exercise and the form will do whatever it will do in the moment. I think for me, I like to check and remind myself often with these little mental hits, because I know the health effects of operating this center in an unhealthy state are dire.

My checks are usually along the lines of:

Is this for me or my tribe?

Do I have the willpower for this?

Am I expecting (insert name) to have as much will for this as I do?

What am I trying to prove, and to whom am I trying to prove it in this specific situation?

I also have a very close friend who is 4 years into his experiment with a completely open heart/ innocence motivation that I check in regularly to see me and share his judgements openly.