Alchemy in Progress.

I’ve been treating myself


To rest.
To support.
To being seen.
To things that bring me joy.
To receiving.
To sinking into more of life’s seemingly little extra moments.

I disguised these extras as treats.
Entertaining a belief that I am able to have the things I need but I am not deserving of the ‘extra’. Not unless there’s hard work and sacrifice involved.

Always at an arms length.

In an act of self betrayal I’ve been dismissing my desires and disguising them as extras,
It felt safer. it’s okay if they leave because you’re not supposed to have treats all the time anyway they are an extra.

Taste testing my extras is like decedent indulgent moments that at first were too rich for my palette. Too much for my nervous system to hold.

Downplaying my moments of pure bliss.
Dismissing my moments of sweet success.
Ever ready for the next blow. Refusal to receive in order to protect myself.

The more I treat myself the more my palette adjusts. The more I acquired the taste.

I want to savour the richness in moments. I want to swirl my glass, smell the aroma and have such stillness that even the base notes are noticeable.

Treating myself to my extras is a slow recalibration of my nervous system. To receive more my nervous system needs this slow expansion.

How much can I really let my life in?
How much can I surrender moment to moment without succumbing to the pressure and cadence of the hustle?
How simple, how easeful, can it get?

Just how much joy much can my nervous system hold? God know she’s been tested for the opposite many a time.

Slowly these extras are becoming a new standard of living.
Slowly these treats are becoming the whole meal.
Slowly my nervous system learns it is okay to hold the sweetness of life.

A unravelling and a becoming.
Alchemy in progress.