I’ve been turning a lot of business away.

Podcast interviews, mentees, sessions, speaking invitations, requests for written documents.. you name it.

They come in one by one. I sit with the invitation and notice my mind start it's usual trip "well that's probably good for business Amy, that's good money Amy, you want to be around those people to be taken seriously Amy, just do it, you'll be fine, even if it does knock you around a bit you'll be fine".

My body has been a no a lot lately and my mind fucking hates it. I know a message is something that going to mess with my mind before I open it because I feel resistance to opening it. I will wait and find space where I can be alone, or a quiet space where I can feel my body before befor I open the message or read the email. The fact that the body is wary before I even open the message, email or press play on the voice note says it all. Once I do recieve the details of the invitation my mind is like "GREAT now you have all the details, let's go over this again... you could just do it, it will be good for you, that's not fear you are feeling that's just nerves, like good nerves, feel the fear and do it anyway, what they want from you isn't that bad or time consuming" sort of monologue.

Picture of my mind trying to intimidate my body.

What I notice in my body once I have opened the invitation is relief.

Like okay, now we have the details and so what, it's still a no. No energy for it. No excitement, no action or pulse to plan, schedule, strategize. Nothing. It's almost like relieved that at least I know what it is I am saying no to, and I really don't like leaving people waiting, so it is almost a relief that it can be over and done with quicker. Like a bandaid.

Then my mind jumps on the 'No bandwagon’, like "yeah well no is probably a better idea, like you are pretty busy and you have young kids, and you are heading into a very remote part of Australia in the next month...and blah blah blah" it's all the minds idea to say no now, and here are all the reasons why 'No' is a better course of action. Like the mind has done a complete 180 and is now in control of the no.

Even though I have turned the invitation down, my mind will stay with these decisions for ages, days, returning to contemplate, cleaning up confusion and doubts. Saying things like "you'll probably never be invited again, you'll probably be forgotten about, in fact, you've done your dash.. you might as well shut down your whole business Amy, you've made your bed, now lie in it". Oh the drama.

My body has moved on, it's already long gone, dealing with the newest moment.
I trust that invitations will come and I feel the difference immensely when they do.

I had a mentee ask to stay on for another month - without hesitation I was moved to reply and make plans for how that would look, it was easy.

I had a request if I could make something up for somebody's newborn niece, I jumped on my computer and did it that moment. It was easy. I did this without payment. There was no financial exchange.

I had a family of 5 email me to have 6 sessions, individual readings for each family member and then a penta reading, I instantly accessed my calendar and began strategizing with the person how that could look, they are all booked in, easy.

The difference when the energy is present and fear is not is very obvious to me. Things flow with ease. I dont make my millions that my mind wants but I feel success and recognised and most of all rested.

Rested and ready.

Boy do I wish I could be at every speaking gig and book out on sessions weekly and podcast interviews and finish writing my book, and hold classes for parents and perhaps a support group as well.. my mind wants nothing more than to be the networker, the opportunist, in the playground with all the people, doing all the things.

Somedays I hate the experiment for limiting me, setting rules in place that I feel like I have to follow. My mind will start to attack the system.. "don't be stupid, what!? What you are going to let a dead man's set of rules dictate your life?, it's just a theory on paper, live your life amy, do the things".

But even with that narrative, my body doesn't muster the energy, nor does it shake the fear or the wariness that's involved with that specific invitation. The 'no' from my body is undeniable.. what's also undeniable is my mind flip flopping around frantically trying find a comfortable place to land. A place where it is still in control and calling the shots. I know these no’s are not personal, but of course the mind will even threaten me with that narrative “they will think you don’t like them, they will think you have some beef with them, they will probably bad mouth you to the rest of the network", don’t rock the boat like that Amy, just do the thing, keep everybody happy”. That’s cute mind... It’s also painful and annoying that just because you are not getting your own way you are now threatening me with the “this will ruin your reputation” hat trick.

The life is just happening. However it is happening. The mind is riding on the coattails yelling at the top of its lungs “turn left .. left.. okay we are going right, yes that what I meant.. right, I meant to say right, glad you listened to me”.

If you are somebody that has received a no from me of late, I want to have a good reason why, and I’ve probably even given you a reason in that moment as to why I think it is a no, but the truth is.. I don’t really know why. I have no beef, I have nothing against anybody personally, none of it matters to me. I am scared that I will not get asked again or invited anymore. But not scared in my body, scared in my mind- to be scared in my mind is a belief, not a knowing. So let’s reframe that, I have a belief- that I will not get asked again or that I will not be invited anymore. Truth is, I dont know whats going to happen tomorrow, or the next day and I don’t know when it is going to be correct for me. I just have this eternal now that I am living in. Moment after moment and I know that is hard for some to understand. I hope that you can see (or at least can read) my own frustration and confusion as my mind continues to battle with my body’s knowing. I am not doing any of this. It is just happening.

Amy.