Mundanity.

Feeling the disconnect.

There's an eerie feeling about myself at the moment that my mind wants to label and slap a story on top of. I want to go into my past and grab an experience or a time, long ago, where I have felt the same way before, pack that memory into a backpack and trek it all the way to the present where I am today, to then unpack it as my 'why' I am feeling this way. Like it is a pattern or there is an excuse or a reason as to why I go through these cycles of disconnect and complete boredom with life and all of the mundanity crap it serves up.

It's like if I can do that, then my mind can feel more comfortable in the knowing that when it has happened in the past these feelings eventually passed in [insert timeframe day, week, month]. My mind is looking for certainty over all time (ajna awareness stuff). It wants to rest in an expectation that I will feel excited and connected and pumped up for life again. Ultimately my mind is basically looking for comfort and certainty to ease its fears.

I notice everytime I feel this level of disconnect and melancholy about life on this boring old planet, everytime I go through one of these cycles, I don't ever return to the same mental space or energetic space I was in when it began. I just get used to the next layer of living in a somewhat disconnected state.

Don't get me wrong. I have a fucking ripper of an existence in comparison to what it used to look like and I'm blessed to have an incarnation that does involve basic human needs. Food, water, shelter, clothing, love, belonging, and as much access to education, knowledge, entertainment as a person could possibly need. I have purpose and meaning in spurts and even the odd transcendental state where I feel connected to the whole oneness hullabaloo.

It's like I'm always shifting between dreamstate illusion and Human realness and everytime I go through these periods of disconnect I shuffle two steps more towards the dreamstate portal and two steps away from invested and deeply attached to an identity in the Human Life portal.

I remind myself often, Amy, you are here having a human experience. So bloody have one. So I swing. Dreamstate, reactive human life, dreamstate, human life.. wondering where the pendulum will stop.

I know I am some sort of energy or entity or being or soul or spirit or whatever you wanna call it... I know I am that I am in a body, on a planet, having a life play out. I know that, I think! I just don't quiet know where to be? Or how to be in both states, Or the real fear is whether I want to be in both at all? or if I should just step fully into one or the other to stop these cycles of disconnect, reconnect where I feel like I am slowly loosing my capacity to care or participate in all this boring stuff.

But which would I choose? *Like I have a choice right?!* That's my human see. Ego thinking it can chose. That I can both play with the Maia, play with being awake in the dreamstate and can control my levels of lucidity, and also play human life, immerse myself in role of tired Mum, loving wife, career woman. But let's play for a moment like if I did have choice;

which would I choose?

I could immerse myself fully in the human and completely forget any aspects of reflective consciousness, illusion, dreamstate, passenger, witnessing my mind and life and just fall head first into human realm. Pack up my HD books, close down the HD Hub and dissapear from the online space. I could winge about the washing and go on the search for career, certify myself in all manner of disciplines, get a decent paying job, send my kiddos to school and dissolve into the slipstream of work, life balance, monday to Friday, weekends for family and house cleaning, holiday once a year, mortgage to the hilt.. 'jones look out.. I'm coming' for ya type of life.

What stops me from doing this? Awareness. Growth. Where I am on my own journey perhaps? That's what stops me. I know too much now that I actually know, that I know absolutely nothin! and that most, if not everything, here is made up. And look it isn't even all the sub surface stuff I have witnessed. Simply knowing how unique everybody is - how could I possibly squeeze my children into the system and tell them to suck it up? How can I ignore their differences? How can I ignore or forget 'no choice'. Now that I have come this far, is there even a way back? Is there a way to fully reverse, put the passenger back in the drivers seat, foot on the gas and leave all the awareness behind?

I don't think there is. Knowing you are swimming in a conditioning soup is kind of like introducing a fish to the water it's floating in. Could it ever forget that?

Okay so let's go the other way. I choose full dreamstate, full illusion mode. My kids arnt real, Johno isn't real, money is energy, anything that's within my view is made up by my own perception and it fits not in my field of view then it doesn't exist, until I put my awareness to it, my life isn't real, it's all an illusion I create every day when I wake up. My body is just a housing for this short trip here on a spinning planet. Now  with that narrative playing, I don't give two fucks about anything. I can't see a point other then killing time.

Some might say that the point is soul growth and transcending to some sort of new level, passing the subjects of life with each incarnation and that if you don't do them you'll have to come back and do them again.. one; I don't buy into that spiritual circle jerk nobody’s telling me to come or go anywhere! (every authority will be challenged - gate 18) Also it sounds like a threat right? Buy into our spiritual goo-gaaah and do the work with us so that you can pass the lesson your would came for. I smell a sneaky marketing rat.

And two, if that IS the case, and I must do the ‘work’ to pass the soul lessons, then who cares if I come back and do the same lesson 15 times, every incarnation will be different, people don't know that I flunked soul school and I'm on repeat in gade 4. Plus I dont remember failing each time, and at the end of the day (pass or fail) I'm still just killing time on a spinning rock in an illusion each incarnation anyway. Soooo see my resistance to really putting my energy towards anything?

Boy this is sounding pretty down in the dumpster at this point hey! I don't want to be the kill joy to anybody's exciting movie that they are watching. Not at all. And don't get wrong I'm not depressed or suicidal with these exclamations just pondering the many places my mind goes in a short 15 minute car ride to town with the fam. The mundanity of living.

When the mirage was taken away, the house was gone, no mortgage to stress about, careers and jobs not a distraction, schooling or gathering with friends on weekends not events we attend, with all of the distractions gone, with this simplistic life I now live, the mundanity became very obvious to me. The complaining about partners and kids behaviours and teachers at school and idiots in their work place, the winging about life, the suffering people are mentally going though, it became so darn obvious that it's all of our own causing. That my own suffering is of my own causing and I can kind of see why now.

If we don't make drama in the movie, the movie is actually really quite boring. Waiting for the Maia to suprise you with a little crisis party of your own so that you can practice your spiritual growth so far, or practice strategy and authority is quite boring. So I guess I swing. Between illusion and real. And the bottom line is I can’t choose. None of us can. I'm stuck in pendulum mode. Swinging between full awareness and moments of non-awareness. Awake and asleep. I know I’ve got a long road to go and that I am exactly where I am supposed to be on that road and that if I go no further and this is the level of awareness that is my peak, if this is the peak of my awareness game, then that is perfect to. It's just the minds uncomfortableness with the every changing floor. One minute standing solidly in my human boots, completely caught up in suffering and reactive states. The next I'm trading in those boots for an front row seat in the cinema watching Amy standing in the boots as the suffering and chaos comes and goes.

It's obvious to me that when life is great and sunny and everyone's eaten their veg for a dinner and slept well and there's money in the bank to burn and I'm gaining followers on the gram, invites for my perspective are rolling in the door I am able to swing and shift to passenger consiousness easily. I'm like oh yeah lifes just a dandy illusion I don't have much attachement or identification with human life it's just a movie thats having a nice scene. But the other way.. whhaaaaaaozaz. If I'm tired, kids fighting, shit food for a week, moneys tight, no time to myself or we are going through some sort of family health crisis I have very little capacity to witness. It really depends on the depth and the accumulation on these things over a time period.

Say I'm just tired and haven't slept well, that's not a problem. I am able to witness my life and watch my mind from a non-attached state. But if these things start piling up I slowly loose capacity. I'm a psycho raging victim machine. Full human, asleep, reactive, identifying with the crisis or drama and making it not just my problem, but everyone else's around me too. I don't have passenger consiousness in these moments when the shits piled up to the ceiling and I'm wading my way through it with very little energy in my body. It isn't until afterwards that I have reflective consiousness and am appreciative of the opportunity or the lesson or the wisdom gained from the whole ordeal.

These are the ones where I make my self wrong. My mind like to play the “ you are a fraud and a fake Amy, an imposter to the space” playlist. If you cannot live in a Guru state 24/7 and be in the witness seat watching your life crumble around you whilst being thankful to the universe for that opportunity for growth then ya might as well pack ya IG backs and fuck off from the public eye until you can hold that sort of state with ease.

Truth is. I can't. I'm a energy-thing in a flesh body having a human experience just like everyone else. And just like everyone else I am somewhere in the middle of the journey. And the middle is nowhere in particular. Nobody's middle is the same place. In fact there's not even any indication that the middle is where I am. The ‘middle’ would allude that there is somewhere else to go or somewhere it is worth trying to be. Not even that is true. All we have is this. And right now all I have is Here. Disconnected. Bored. Uncomfortable. Waiting for the pendulum to swing. Killing time. Not unhappy at all. In fact content. Patient in the boredom. Just noticing it. Might as well be frank about it.

Things that I notice light my fire recently. Meaning things I have witnessed in my movie that I have the playful enrgy for in the mundanity of life;

- Working with people that just fucking get it! They are empowered in their own uniqueness and not afraid of others uniqueness.
- Trauma Studies. Nothing new here I have been studying trauma since a child. And then took an extreemly indepth masterclass for a few years when I used to lock myself in a bathroom to sleep on the floor mat so my abusive boyfriend couldn't choke me in my sleep. FUN TIMES. I'm right into incorporating the nuance of HD into trauma.
- Alone time.
- Checking my own beliefs, challenging them and blowing my own narrow mind right up.
- Playing dumb. Or pretending like I dont have an opinion or anything to say. It's saving me a lot of energy.

Yep, that's it.

xo

Ames.

(Or as Johno calls me)

Ruthy