Fishing.
“Success in any area of your life is not found in producing what you think you must produce on your journey, it’s found in the love, the joy, the happiness, and the sense of True Self that you experience—and that others experience in their life because of you—along the way. That alone can produce the rest of what you think you are “supposed to” produce.”
― Neale Donald Walsch. Conversations with God, Book 4: Awaken the Species
“Why don’t you go for a fish? take some time from the kids?” Johno prompts me after a very full on stressful morning of, what seemed like, trying to herd 2 wild pigs through a shopping expedition in the local town. They were full throttle today and we were going to have to tag team if we wanted to get thought it alive. “Yeah I think I just might”, I reply (already halfway up the beach, hat on, rod in hand). I walk out off of the bleach white beach sand onto a rocky drop off where I’ve watched the local fella’s be successful over the last week.
I throw my line in and wait. I am pretty certain a total of about 27 seconds had passed and my mind say’s "ohh I think you need to cast it out further". Probably right, I’m looking for a decent sized fish and logic says the deeper the water, the bigger the fish, right?! So I reeled it in.
Cast out again.
I chilled for about a minute, enjoying the colours of the ocean, listening to the waves crashing against the rocks, just breathing and feeling such peace in my body before I hear; "you must be on the weed line there, I think you are on the weed, reel it in, there’s no fish on the weed" my mind coming in HAWT with its next instruction. So I reel it in.
I check the bait and this time before I give it a big flick out, perfectly positioned out in the deeper section of the sandbar past the weeds. Nailed it! Pretty proud of myself and my pro level fishing skills. Rex Hunt look out! (for those non-aussies- Rex is our iconic fisherman).
I look up at the sky and see some seagulls flying around "ohh that means there must be fish here" my mind adds it's certainty “i’d better bloody get one!”. I return to my state of peace and calm as I watch the ocean waving at me. The colours are indescribable. I get a little lost in the tranquility not really paying any attention to the rod or the line, unsure if there's been bites or nibbles. Nothings swallowed the whole hook that's for sure. The next thought I have comes only about 3 minutes after casting, although it feels like an eternity, "I think you've lost your bait, better reel it in and check your bait, not going to catch anything with no bait on". So I reel it in.
Barkers Rocks, South Australia.
Both hooks are still fully baited. "Hrmmm, well that bait is not looking enticing enough, put some fresh bait on" the minds orders as the pressure rises to catch this fish! I tear off the old bait and throw it to the gulls, grab two new fresh bits of bait and fill the hooks. "That looks better" my mind validates, I cast out again, slightly off to the right as my mind says it's a better spot to fish there.
This time I look around the beach, I see a few campers, and a couple walking their dog. I wonder where they are from and what they are doing here at the exact time I am here. I get lost in pondering the illusion and if they are even really there or just NPC’s (non-playable characters) I have made up to form a more realistic illusion of beach fishing,.. woah deep. I snap out of my alternate minds state, back to my physical form on the rocks, no bites as yet. "This spot isn't working and you are running out of time" I hear my mind. I look up the shoreline and see a spot on the rocks that looks 'better'. I'd had my line in for a total of 4 minutes this time. Before I reel it in. I grab my bucket and bait and move about 4 meters up the rocky shoreline. To the 'better spot'.
I set my bucket down, check the baits and scan the water for a sandline on the edge of weeds because that is where I am certain the fish hang out. Casting out this time I hear my mind "well if I don't catch anything this time I'm giving up, it must be the wrong time of the day". I am pretty sure I have been out here for a total of 30 minutes at this point (and that’s being generous) “Wow am I impatient” I give an observation to my minds threat to leave. I give it a big flick, drop the bail and wait. I decide to do some deep breathing now that I have brought awareness to my insatiable impatient nature I want to counteract it by trying to slow down. Counting my breaths to 10. I marvel at the large body of water in front of me that is known as The Spencer Gulf. I marvel at how this water eventually joins up to the Indian Ocean. Just taking in the magnitude of it all I begin to and ponder if God (or the Universe, or Gaia, or whatever omnificent term you’d like to use, I’m just going to say God because it is easy) created all of this, then surely they filled it with plenty of fish. And if it is filled with plenty of fish, then logically, my odds should be better than what they are proving to be! I watch my mind trail now, it is fun to watch where it goes off to. I think to myself, well if God answers prayers maybe I should pray for a fish? I wonder how that works?! like I'm pretty sure from my very limited Sunday School era I was taught “Ask and you shall receive”. Except people ask for stuff all the time and don't get it. Isn’t that basically what people who try to manifest their way through life are doing? These are all just flickering thoughts that I can remember having. I am sure there was a much faster and more detailed dialogue going on in the old noggin’ out on that shoreline. So I ask “God, Gaia, Universe… make this fishing trip worth my while will ya, thanks, yours sincerely, Amy”. I laugh at myself and the cheek of my defined heart. Knowing full well manifestation isn’t a game for Projector’s to play but hey, what’s the worse that can happen.
I stand in silence for moment. Mind silence. It doesn’t happen often so it is quite memorable when it does.
Second spot because the first wasn’t a good enough place to waste my time :P
OH!! I think I actually say aloud. The penny drops. Maybe when people pray or ask, they don't get what they are asking for in the way they think they’re going to get it, maybe they do get it, but just can't see it, because they are blindly fixed on receiving what they have asked for in a specific way. So what I just asked for was a “fishing trip worthwhile”, what my mind saw was a bucket full of donkey sized King George Whiting. Really, do I need the fish for food? No not really, I have an abundance of food. So why do I need a fish? why would that make this worth my while? I stand in embarrassment and almost stunned at my own realisation. I need the fish for show, to make this fishing trip worth my while.. yea that's what it is! OUCH. That hits hard.
Let me check myself- I'm praying for a fish so that I have something productive to show for taking some alone time. What the actual fuck. In other words, my mind feels it needs to have something to show others to prove it has been productive time spent otherwise, this moment of self care and removing myself from the aura’s of others has been a waste of time.. ohh man. I am messed up. The not-self at it again. Can’t I just take a simple moment fishing without it rearing its ugly, forceful head?!
My train of thought then shifts to being a Projector and how common this is for many of us. But also, no just us. Everybody. There must be something to show, something to be recognised for. Being productive at all cost. Even when there is absolutely no need. There is no judge standing on the beach waiting for me to present my 'gains'. There is nobody clocking my time. I haven’t registered in the local fishing competition. I am simply a person who needed a little alone time. I could have come and sat on the shoreline with no fishing rod and just been here, but instead I am so conditioned to DO that I need to give my selfcare a task, which is fine. I am active environment. Walking is a task, meditation is a task, I dont think tasking self-care is the issue here). What I think the complete BALLS UP has been is that with that task, my mind has all these rules and conditions and ways I must do said task in order to make it more productive. I need to constantly change and adapt my approach to improve efficiency, and I need to cast further and wider and be in a better position in order to show I have be productive. My mind the whole time running the show, calling the shots, impatiently forcing me to DO more, BE more, SHOW more and of course my mind then coming up with all the excuses as to why I hadn't got my reward for all my efforts. I know where this heads, I’ve been there in the past. The mind then induces suffering. It starts to produce a play write of stories and narratives, excuses and things to say when I go back with nothing in my bucket. Nothing to show others for just how hard I tried to be productive to justify my alone time. Am I the only person who has this program running? Surely not.
I think about business and Projectors out in the world, impatiently manifesting. Casting further and wider, changing their bait and sales pitches to suit the types of clients they are hoping to catch, changing their position to suit the tides and trends, searching for better, reeling in, feeling like a failure, casting again, reeling in and casting again. So much energy being used to DO, to prove, to have something to show others. The whole process becoming very outwardly horizontal. Who is watching me? What am I going to say? What am I going to produce in order to be recognised. I think about the mothers and fathers who are just seeking a moment of alone time suffering with how can I justify my time? Who do I need to justify my time to? What can I say I was doing that makes it okay to want to have a moment off? How do I rationalise wanting to be away from my children for a moment to catch up with myself? The stress and pressure of the fast paced-efficient-quantum leap your way to zen world we are so used to these days has infiltrated our selfcare almost to a point we have to clock in and clock out and give a detailed handover of why it was important to take the time. Yet the truth is, nobody asked. Very rarely will someone actually say “that walk was a waste of time”. Or “meditation, that’s not worth your while”. Or “I see you took a 5 minute break, what did you get up to?”. Nobody asks. It’s all in our own minds. The need to rationalise and explain is all in our own not-self minds. The need to be productive and have something to show for what we have been doing without time is all a not-self mind fuck.
I am zapped back to the now by a seagull squawking next to me, it's as if it's saying "hey caught anything yet?" OMG not you too! I snarl at the gull as I laugh at myself and the movie I am watching play out in front of me.
I reel my rod in. Not with an instruction from the mind this time. I just watch my body do so. I sat down on the rocks and put my feet in the water for probably around 5 minutes, just mulling over the profound experience I’ve just had. I pack up my things and head back to camp. As I approach the campsite a stranger all decked out in the latest fishing gear is heading out with their fishing rod and bucket in hand. He stops me and asks "how'd you go?"
I smile and show him my empty bucket “It was very worth my while” I say, nearly laughing like a crazy sunburnt heat stroked woman. I am unsure how to explain that while I have nothing tangible to show for my experience I have just gained far more than this bucket could possibly hold.
He looks a little confused, but smiles kindly as we part ways.